A day in the life of a Statist
This is my satirical response to the seemingly anonymous and pretty clever “A Day in the Life of an American Conservative Shithead”:
This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock, which was certified safe by the independent Underwriters Laboratories. It was powered by the unnatural and unprofitable energy monopoly enforced through violence (which I refuse to see).
I then took a shower in water, which I am told is safe by my rulers despite incidents where the water was unsafe. It is okay though because even if I didn’t have a monopoly water provider insisting the water was safe, I live in a really good area.
After that, I turned on the TV to one of our many objective, federally regulated news channels to be informed that “We’ve always been at war with Spain Germany Japan Nazis North Korea Russia Vietnam Iraq Bosnia Iraq Afghanistan Iraq Afghanistan Iran.” Though the weird thing is that I don’t hear as much about the collateral damage these days. That kind of news never really made me happy anyways.
While watching TV I ate some organic cereal with real cane sugar. I don’t mind paying extra for it because I believe that corn subsidies and trade restrictions with sugarcane farmers make us all richer.
I then took my artificially high-priced drugs while thinking about how wonderful it is that I gladly pay to imprison people for taking or selling products the Food and Drug Administration say are no-nos.
On the way out the door I deposited my outgoing mail in my federally owned mailbox. What a relief that the USPS forcefully shut down competition years ago. If competition in first-class mail were allowed then I would have too many choices and I’d probably make the wrong one. If there is only one information handler for my first-class mail then I can be assured that I have no control over right or wrong or whatever.
At the appropriate time, I got into my car to drive on the roads where over 40,000 people die each year. Luckily, I have a high-paying job subsidized by federal defense contracts and your stolen money so I can afford one of the newest, safest cars.
Then I dropped my kids off at the government indoctrination center where I know they’ll learn that Lincoln was a great man, war stimulates the economy, and that their neighbors who don’t believe these things can’t be trusted. I can only hope they will grow up with as much admiration for legitimized violence as I have.
After having spent another worry-free (I am locked into this government contract so I have neither incentive nor drive to be competitive or cooperative) day at work, I got back on the unsafe roads in my safe car. I arrived at my house to find the cops had raided my home (they had meant to get the marijuana dealer next door) and shot my dog. Oh, don’t worry! They also shot his dog after they had realized their mistake. I know this is the price we must all pay for a safe neighborhood.
And then I logged on to the internet, which thrives under decentralization, and spread the false dichotomy of conservative/liberal politics. I also posted on a few forums about how great the State is. I try not to give its greatness a label like SOCIALISM or FASCISM or CORPORATISM or MERCANTILISM or even STATISM because those words are so… littered with the murders of millions of people.
There is no such thing as intellectual property so I have no problem if this is disseminated, changed, not attributed, et cetera.
